Elm Streets Last Brat

Lately, i've been having kind of a rough time dealing with my grammas death. Its been almost 4 months, and it hurts more now than it did when she first died. I wish i could have been with her the last couple of weeks. I only got to visit her a handful of times in the past 4 years, and that was really hard for me because I was so close to her and basically lived with her a lot of the times. There will be times during the day when I go to call her and then it clicks that she's dead. I just cant imagine her not alive anymore. I just imagine her sitting in her chair watching tv when we're about to eat dinner, or on the weekends when my mom, her and me would go shopping. I obviously knew she wasnt going to be alive forever, but it still kinda felt like she would. Its so weird that i could just call her when i felt like it to tell her about my day, and now shes just not there. When I stood up by her casket at the wake, it didnt even seem like she was really dead. It felt so surreal...like she wasnt really dead, and that her body in the casket was fake or somthing...i dunno. I really wanted her to be alive to see me get married. I suppose she would be watching over me and whatnot, and thats what id like to believe, but its kinda hard to believe when theres no sign or anything. I hope she is though and that shes here with me somehow.